just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Nice try Hitler
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.