just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
When I said I liked it rough.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house