@CranalBeads: just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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@LoveNLunchmeat: 80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
@DRUNKdadding: "Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today." -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now
@mean_spice: Torturer: I will break you Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness? Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.