You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”