Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
how long have you had this for?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer