Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
This fish is cracking me up
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.