Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
You Might Also Like
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
wtf is an acronym
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.