Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
You Might Also Like
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Happy Thanksgiving