@stockejock: Misery loves company, and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*

@alwayzintruble: My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

@BuckyIsotope: Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.

@AristotlesNZ: Boss: You're late! You shoulda been here two hours ago! Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?