@ddsmidt: When someone reads your message, then never responds, it's just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
@Darlainky: Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: gimme a double
BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]
ME: no I meant a double Scotch
BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]
@Glynner85: I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
@daemonic3: What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I'm trying to feed this thing and I don't know what airplanes eat.
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