@ddsmidt: When someone reads your message, then never responds, it's just hurtful. I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

@Darlainky: Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain? Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: gimme a double BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar] ME: no I meant a double Scotch BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

@Glynner85: I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

@daemonic3: What is the deal with airplane food? Seriously, I'm trying to feed this thing and I don't know what airplanes eat.