@OctopusCavemann: When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please Me: for? Her: alcohol Me: my beard is almost white Her: still need it Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

@SadMeterologist: TRUTHFUL TUESDAY: When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

@HomeProbably: Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."