@jazmasta: That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

@Freudianscript: *I'm worried about tomorrow* Tomorrow: I'm fine, stop worrying.

@GeorgeTakei: So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

@mompsychologist: Family stickers on cars are the parent version of prison tattoos.

@RealDMK: If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!