Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Venn
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.