Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
You Might Also Like
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead