Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.