[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
When someone says you are so lazy
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
lost dog
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.