[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Good Morning.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds