If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Ha.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.