[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Proctology is located in A55
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
So inspired right now.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.