@buck4itt: Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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@BoogTweets: Date: so you were married twice before? Me: yes Date: any kids Me: no they were both adults
@thepunningman: [first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
@DaddyJew: [buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case
@SteveAmiri: If I could be any X-Men I think I'd pick Professor X. Don't really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.