orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You Might Also Like
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*