I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.