On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster