date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦