5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker