@TheFakeCNN: Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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@sugarboyfly: Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it's true that zombies won't eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
@jonnysun: BAE: wats for lunch ME: i feel like a sandwich BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
@ryanqnorth: Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me? ME: How do I access the WIFI? INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job ME: Is that all capital?