Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
#catsoftwitter
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Life hack
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door