Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Welcome
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.