@kolchak: Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word "girl" with "gerbil".
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@Vice_Queen: I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss... and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
@ibid78: "Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?" *flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."
@mewritesgood: Hey Google, if I'm searching for "herpes symptoms" then no, no I'm not "feeling lucky."
@WheelTod: Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it's always the same damn advice: "Lay off the methamphetamine."