Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”