Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty