Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.