Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Is this a threat?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.