Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi