Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
three things we don’t talk about
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Wise advice
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.