Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
You Might Also Like
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.