Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Still cracks me up
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.