Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.