Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.