Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
new record!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
New menu item
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why