Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Time for evil
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)