KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
You Might Also Like
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand