KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Well, that should do it
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.