Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My favorite female superhero
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*