KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
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“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.