9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.