“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
oh you wanna fight?!
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards