No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip