Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Pizza is an emotion right?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.