kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*