kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My Plans 2020
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
This is a sub tweet
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.