wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.