@TheMichaelRock: Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won't have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
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@skin_and_i: Playing guess the animal with 4yo. 4: it looks like a tiger. Me: a lion? 4: no. Me: leopard? 4: no. Me: i give up 4: it's a tiger
@Reverend_Scott: JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.
@QwertyJones3: Surgeon: I'm unable to perform this surgery. I've only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
@BuckyIsotope: “My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run” *me holding a Shrek 2 DVD* Way ahead of you