Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.