I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.