@anjeanettec: Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn't compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.
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@MelvinofYork: I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
@LeagueofNope: I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don't tell me about alcohol abuse!
@BGH70: The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"
@SamGrittner: *job interview* "So this yearbook isn't your resume?" "No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."