Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
And that about sums it up.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.