TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point